A Raucous Affair
by torigingerfox
Summary: What could happen during an innocent Tea at Malfoy Manor? Probably the most awkward, hilarious and irreverent hour that Theo has ever had to endure, while waiting for Draco and his future wife to shut er, I meant show up!
**A Raucous Affair**

 **NEW A/N JULY 2018: Hello everyone. Not long ago I've received a review regarding this story, and the poster told me they had enjoyed it, but that they typos ruined it. I am all for concrit, as you might know if you take a look at my bio. I also decided to join the S &R movement some time ago, since I find it amazing that authors can interact with their reviewers, telling them that they're open to concrit, or that they'd rather just receive encouraging reviews. **

**Well, this review got me thinking that this fic needed some much needed beta love, and the poster was 100% right. I know many authors do not like being told that there's something wrong with their stories, but since the comment was nice and wasn't meant in an insulting way, I didn't feel insulted at all, and decided to act on it. I've then asked the awesome Maloreiy if she'd be willing to beta for me, and she accepted.**

 **I want to thank Mal for her help, and please enjoy the betaed version of A raucous Affair!**

 **A/N: This is a literary adaptation of something extremely funny that happened a few years back while I was staying at my in-laws for the weekend. Basically, we were all having tea, except for my husband's little brother and his girlfriend. I don't want to spoil it for you...so I'll just say that I nearly die of laughter anytime I think back at what happened.**

 **DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters, which as we all know belong to JKR.**

Four people sat silently around a wooden table in one of the many rooms of Malfoy Manor, quietly sipping their hot tea.

Theodore Nott had never been in that particular room before, but then again, the Manor was so big that it would probably take him three days to explore all of it. The main wing was shut, as Narcissa was redecorating it, insisting that her son's fiancée shouldn't be reminded of dark times every time she stepped into the drawing room.

That was why they all ended up in a small, elegant, yet cosy, tea room right below Draco's sleeping quarters.

Theo glanced up and met Blaise's gaze. The dark-skinned wizard was quirking an eyebrow, wordlessly asking what was taking Draco and Granger so long. Theo shook his head and threw a glance at the Lady of the Manor.

Narcissa was sitting upright. Though a bit stiff, she looked entirely regal. Her hair was neatly styled in an updo, and her skin was flawless, but her delicate hands were clutching her mug a little too tightly, the only thing that gave up her annoyance.

Theo then moved his gaze to his left, where Lucius Malfoy was sitting comfortably, an amused expression gracing his otherwise severe features.

The silence was becoming unbearable, so Theo cleared his throat and spoke. "So…how are the preparations for the wedding faring?"

Narcissa clutched her mug even tighter.

 _Wrong question, you idiot_ , Theo mentally berated himself.

It was Lucius who answered. "In full effect, my boy, even though my future daughter-in-law isn't making things any easier for us. She's very… _opinionated_ , she is. My dearest Narcissa had her fair share of drama to deal with in the past few months…" He trailed off, clearly implying that a change of subject was in order.

Blaise came to his rescue and asked, "How is the redecoration process going, then?"

Theo held his breath, hoping for this topic to be a safe one.

Narcissa visibly relaxed and smiled at the Italian wizard. "My dear, everything is going wonderfully. This morning I've chosen the new colours, and tomorrow I will meet the Chief Designer to go through the latest furniture catalogues."

Theo was nodding at all the right times, without really paying attention. He still couldn't believe that his best friend was going to get married to Hermione Granger, of all people!

Three years prior, they had been forced to work together to develop a new potion, and they all remembered too well those first weeks. Draco was constantly snapping at everyone, and Granger was threatening to hex all those who'd dare suggest that a less confrontational relationship might benefit their work. How exactly they went from wanting to hex the living daylights out of each other to getting married, was still a mystery.

The dark-haired wizard was still lost in thought when he heard _it_ for the first time.

It was a distant, background noise.

 _Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!_

No one else in the room seemed to have noticed, as they were all still sipping their tea, Narcissa still going on about that wonderful Italian leather sofa she so wanted to buy.

Perfect, he was imagining things.

He ventured a glance towards Lucius and saw that he was also glancing around discreetly. So maybe he wasn't imagining things, then.

But…there was nothing amiss. Apart from the fact that Draco and Granger were still missing.

He shrugged his shoulders and resolved to ignore the tricks his fervid imagination was playing on him. Only, when he was about to sip from his mug, he heard it again.

 _Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!_

This time he locked eyes with Blaise, who had seemed to hear the strange noise, too. Where was it coming from? And most importantly…what was causing it?

Narcissa was ill at ease, that much was clear, but she pretended all was fine, and said, "The builders must have resumed working on the East Wing."

Lucius smirked. "Possibly, my dear. Would you like another cup of tea?"

Narcissa smiled and nodded, and Blaise rushed to fill her cup before Lucius could get up.

There was an eerie quietness in the room, and Theo was about to relax when…

 _Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! SQUEAK!_

Theo was trying to discern the sound, which, after a quick analysis could only be described as the squeak of rusty metal. Almost like an old, sprung mattress…

And that's when it dawned on him.

He instinctually glanced towards Blaise, to seek confirmation of his suspicions, and the blasted man was hiding his mouth behind the mug trying his hardest not to laugh. Their eyes met and they wordlessly agreed on the source of the noise.

 _SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!_

They _were_ right below Draco's room, after all.

Theo dared throwing a glance at Narcissa, and the poor woman was about to have a fit. Her cheeks were flushed, her hands were twisting hysterically on her lap, the tea long forgotten. She was resolutely avoiding anyone's gaze, staring pointedly at a spot behind her husband's head.

 _SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!_

They were sure having a go at it.

Blaise cleared his throat and said, "You have the most wonderful roses in your garden this year, Narcissa."

The woman nodded, a strained smile on her face.

Lucius smirked again. "Yes, a glorious _bed_ of roses, really."

Theo choked on his tea, then started coughing violently.

Blaise waved his hand and whispered, " _Anapneo,"_ and Theo could feel air fill his lungs. Then they both turned towards Lucius, who made no attempt to conceal his smirk.

So, he _did_ say that on purpose, the evil man!

 _SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!_

For the love of Merlin! What was going on up there? The Sex Olympics Games?

That Draco had no decency whatsoever was a fact, but Granger? She was supposed to be the rational one!

Lucius took pity on his wife and, with a wave of his wand, turned the gramophone on. A warm, jazzy song filled the room.

"Amazing tune. A truly seductive, alluring _sound_ , don't you think so, boys?" asked the Malfoy patriarch, feigning innocence.

Blaise opened his mouth to answer but…

 _SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEAK! SQUEEEEEEEEEAK!_

Oh, for the love of Salazar!

Theo discreetly put his hand in an inner pocket of his robes and found his fake Galleon, equipped with a Protean Charm and used as a means of communication with Draco.

He clutched the object and thought, ' _Bed a little too noisy_ ,' hoping that Draco would get the hint.

Blaise was silently watching his moves and understanding lit his dark eyes. He discreetly winked and resumed sipping his third cup of tea. How he hadn't peed himself yet, was a mystery to Theo.

Lucius was whistling merrily, completely disregarding his wife's unease. That man was a real piece of work!

Narcissa was as pale as a sheet, her mouth a thin white line. She was _furious_ , but was trying to conceal her anger, for the sake of appearances. She forced out a strangled, "When exactly is our son going to come?"

Alas, it was the wrong thing to say, as both Theo and Blaise started snickering inside their mugs, their eyes watering.

Lucius smiled reassuringly, and, as if nothing had happened, said, "I expected him to at least ten minutes ago…it's quite impressive."

Theo's eyes bulged.

"His _lateness,_ obviously," specified the blond man smugly.

They all went quiet. The noise had ceased.

Draco had probably gotten the message. Good.

 _THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!_

Theo's startled gaze met Blaise's, and they simultaneously came to the same conclusion. Their friend must have moved the action from the bed to the floor. Narcissa was sure to have a coronary attack soon, the poor thing.

She spoke through clenched teeth, "What exactly is keeping our son?" It was clearly a rhetorical question, as the nature of Draco's _activities_ was pretty clear.

Lucius apparently thought his wife expected an actual answer, or rather, decided to make her even more uncomfortable by saying, "Oh, I'm sure he'll come soon enough, darling."

Narcissa stiffened and kept pretending nothing was happening.

Blaise finally gave in to the urge of being an idiot and mused out loud, "I wonder how much _pounding_ a… _floorboard_ can take," causing Lucius to smile in amusement and Narcissa to gasp in outrage.

Theo thought, _'Fuck it, I might as well have some fun.'_ Heturned towards Blaise with the most serious expression he could muster, and said, "I wouldn't worry, Draco is clearly _nailing it."_

Blaise smirked back. Lucius tried his best to remain poised, as it would be expected from him, while Narcissa was clearly on the verge of angry tears.

 _THUMP! THUMP! THUMP! THUMP!_

The Malfoy Matriarch stomped her foot on the ground and yelled, "For Merlin's sake, that's quite enough!"

The three men did their best not to burst out laughing.

Lucius turned towards his wife with a condescending look on his face and said, "My dear, are you suggesting that we should interrupt your son and future daughter-in-law while they might be engaged in—"

Narcissa raised her hand and yelled, "Don't!"

"Don't say it out loud. Just, don't." Narcissa said again, through gritted teeth. "If you do, it will make it _real_."

Lucius quirked an eyebrow and carried on, unperturbed. "I didn't know you had something against—"

"Lucius," warned Narcissa.

"…carpentry," finished the blond man smugly.

Theo and Blaise snickered into their respective mugs, while Narcissa narrowed her eyes at her husband.

No one noticed that the noise had stopped, and less than five minutes later, a very smug-looking Draco and an extremely disheveled Hermione entered the room, holding hands.

"Sorry we kept you waiting, Mother," said Draco apologetically. "Father must have forgotten to mention we would be having tea in _this_ room, _at four,_ " he added, while pointedly staring at Malfoy Senior.

Theo turned towards Lucius and found him feigning innocence.

"I apologise, Draco. I had more pressing issues to deal with; it must have slipped my mind."

His son scoffed and waved his hand, while pulling Granger— _I really should start referring to her as Hermione now,_ Theo thought—towards an empty couch.

The former Gryffindor sat down, then turned towards Narcissa and said, "It's nice to see you, Narcissa. Thanks for inviting me for tea."

The blond woman nodded a bit stiffly, but managed to say, "Yes, we're all very glad you finally managed to come, dear," eliciting more snickering from Theo and Blaise.

A tray of food appeared on the wooden table and Lucius clapped his hands in delight. "Food, finally. I bet you're all very hungry, aren't you, Draco?"

Draco nearly incinerated his father with his steely gaze, but managed to say, "Very hungry indeed, Father."

Hermione, bless her, was seemingly oblivious to the tension in the room, or at least, the reason for it. She smiled nervously at both Theo and Blaise and turned towards Lucius. "Oh, I'm starving, Mr Malfoy! And the food looks delicious!"

The blond man smirked and leaned over the table to grab a dish, then he turned towards his soon-to-be daughter-in-law and said, "I bet you'd love a nice, warm sausage, my dear."

Narcissa started coughing, Theo and Blaise couldn't stop snickering, and Draco simply narrowed his eyes and kept staring at his father, who seemed to enjoy the tense atmosphere more than he should have.

Hermione was staring at the occupants of the room, nonplussed and a little puzzled, but soon turned towards Draco's father and said, "Oh, I have to decline, Mr Malfoy, I've already had salami earlier today and I really feel like eating some—"

"Burrito?" asked Blaise, mischievously.

"Or maybe an eggroll?" suggested Theo, winning a death glare from his blond best friend.

Hermione looked from one boy to another confusedly and sighed. "You know what? I thought I'd had enough, but I'll go for another wiener after all."


End file.
